***Please note, that if you are a woman, none of the things mentioned in this post actually apply to you, because it is a well known fact that women are incapable of producing shit, and they actually do not have buttholes.
My existence is marked, not by surviving trials and tribulations, but by the dogged avoidance of adversity.
Except when it comes to glitter… you can’t avoid getting that shit everywhere. That is true adversity…
But seriously, for the antagonist out there who wants to argue (in regards to this post’s title) that, “Of course shit happens. It’s a mechanism of life. You can’t survive nor live a life in which shit does not, in fact, happen, and adversity, like shit, is going to happen as well” I would like to respond:
“No fucking duh.”
Then I would like to point out that the title is just that, a title. My actual opinion rests on the idea that, while shit DOES happen, it is entirely up to you the manner in which you deliver your shit from your asses to the masses.
The way I see it, you can squat Bridesmaids style in the middle of the street, reach down for a liberal scoop and start flinging it as passersby, then start balling because you have shit on your hands.
OR
You can excuse yourself from present company and deposit your excrement privately in the loo.
In both cases, shit did happen, but the important part is in how you handled it.
You do not need to talk about your shit, blog about your shit, write crappy lyrics about your shit, or post Anthony-Elonis-style about your shit on Facebook (reference his upcoming Supreme Court Trial). You are actually capable keeping your shit to yourself.
Another side to the ‘how you handle your shit’ argument is:
Not only do you have control over where you deal with your shit, but you also have a moderate amount of control over how much shit you have to deal with. Extending the shitting in the street or the loo analogy out, you can compare the negative aspect of taking a shit in the street to bringing more shit onto your plate and the more positive aspect of taking a shit in the loo to mitigating the amount of shit you have to deal with.
Boiling it down:
YOU HAVE MORE CONTROL THAN YOU THINK.
Unless you sharted… which works perfectly into the analogy as shit you couldn’t reasonably expect and which you did not plan on bringing upon yourself. And this SHIT does in fact happen. This is the unfortunate unforseen stuff that nobody actually has control over. Like maybe debilitating sorrow due to death or getting laid off from your job due to a crippled economy. BUT even so, you can still choose to deal with these things in a more graceful manner by going into the bathroom, cleaning yourself up, and free-balling it for the rest of the day.
Now that I have literally, figuratively, and homonormatively beaten that analogy to death, I think it’s time to abandon it.
All I’m trying to say is, while I may have had what some people consider a ‘bad’ or alternative childhood, I don’t really see it that way… my perspective is completely and utterly skewed by the fact that I am completely and utterly an imbecilic optimist. And while there may have been a few cards stacked against me, I made the decision to learn how to count cards and manipulate the deck so that things began to fall more in my favor as I got older. Yes, sometimes bad things still happened, but I avoided adversity with all that I had, and I tried to put myself into positions that damn near guaranteed success.
Know yourself, know your weakness, and in the vein of Weakness WODs for Crossfit that I mentioned in a previous post, know what to do about them. Tackle it before it snowballs into something you can’t handle.
In essence, HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE, set yourself up for success, and don’t complain if you lapsed and failed to do those things.
Mastering fate 